This has been my first weekend alone at home without Magpie. I can't say that it has been easy. I kept myself quite busy yesterday, avoiding the cleaning that I knew had to be done. Today, I wasn't so lucky. Anyone who knows me, knows that cleaning is not my forte, passion, or even like. I understand that some people thrive on that kind of stuff, but I am not one of them.

Some of the things that I am going to write about are unsanitary. I know that. Some of them I knew about and was avoiding and some of them I really didn't realize. Anyway, this was my first real attempt at cleaning since bringing Maggie home from the vet's that Monday afternoon. I had gone to Katie's wedding over the weekend and Maggie was at the vet's. Anyway...

I started in the kitchen, which is where Maggie's bowls and chews still are. I made the mistake of opening the container where I keep her food, which was a big mistake. The smell of that so familiar food wafted up into my face and that was pretty much the end of it for me. I can still see us going through our morning routine, and the same in the evening when I would come home. That smell was so familiar and she could not wait to munch it down. I had finally found a food that she really enjoyed. She was picky, and always had been. Little did I know that being a picky eater was a sign of kidney disease. This makes sense sine the theory is that it was congenital. She had always been choosy about what she would eat. I took a lot of shit over feeding her premium food, but I believe that had I not fed her quality food I would not have had her as long as I did.

Her bowls are still dirty. The water bowl is empty from the cats drinking from it, but the food dish still has some traces of the ground turkey I made for her Monday night. There were also still bits on the floor around the bowl. I had mixed the turkey with some scrambled eggs (which se usually loved). She had picked out the turkey and left the eggs behind. The carpet in the living room is still stained from where she shortly threw it back up. She was so sick. I found the eggs on top of the refrigerator this morning. Yes. They had been there almost two weeks. Had I noticed them before I would have thrown them out, but apparently I have been avoiding the kitchen as much as possible. I have also been traveling.

I am still finding tennis balls and Frosty Paw cups in places that I have not expected to find them. The vacuum is still filling with brown fur. Everything is still normal here, expect that Maggie is gone. I get so pissed off when I see fur someplace in a corner or under the couch. I did everything right. I loved her more than most people love in a lifetime. I took the best care of her that I could, and still I lost her unfairly early. I should be at the lake right now, watching her launch off the boat ramp. We should be going through McDonald's to get her a vanilla frozen yogurt. We should be coming home and laying on the couch together - she chewing a rawhide and me reading a book, after a wile shifting so that her head was on my knee.

I know it is going to take time. I know that I am going to continue to be pissed off. It doesn't change the fact that I want her back. It doesn't change the fact that I hear dog tags around my apartment or smell her next to me.