I am currently in Albany attending the 21st Century Community Learning Center conference that we have to attend twice a year. One is in Albany, the other in Brooklyn. Susan and I are presenting tomorrow and need to work on nailing down the rest of the details. Full report tomorrow night. The awesome thing is that Katie, Penny, and Tim are here and is is great to see them again. It makes me feel not so disconnected from my life.
Part of the reason that I have not been blogging as much is because I have not been running and I have not been taking my laptop home with me, which is when I blogged when I was really keeping up with life. I honestly don't know what I am doing with my time, but I have a feeling that I am overdoing it in terms of work hours. I need to get back on track and start living my life and taking care of myself again. I am still very sad, but I can't continue to not do things to take care of me. I am going to make it a point to really start doing so. As soon as I get back from Albany...
Okay, so I think that I got to the point of saying that I saw Katie and Cristin and the kids over the weekend. Good fun.
Saturday was Cale's graduation party. I can guarantee that when there is a party at Aunt Alicia's, it is going to be a good time. Cale's Band (Flatt Broke) played and we had a ball. Cale is one hell of a drummer and is so happy when he is playing.
Aunt Janet once again became the Statue of Liberty and at the top of our lungs we sang the National Anthem in the garage. Such touching moments.
It is hard to believe that the four boys are grown and graduated. I don't feel old, but I sure do feel like they are catching up with me.
Mom and I spent some nice time together Sunday morning planting Maggie's garden. I bought some Bleeding Hearts, Love Pat hostas, and some other lower bright green hostas to plant at Maggie's spot. I can't seem to bring myself to calling it a "grave." A "grave" implies that she is gone and maybe I need to come to the full realization that she is gone, but I know that her spirit and energy are still here. So, for now I am going to call it her "spot." Mom cleared a nice sized area and we debated on how to layout the plants. We agreed to a nice layout that should fill in over time. I will add a St. Francis of Assissi statue to the garden once I find one that I like. I hope that I can take it to Mt. Iraneus to have it blessed before I take it to Maggie.
I was doing okay with being in that place and doing what I was doing for the reason that I was doing it, but towards the end of planting that overwhelming feeling of emptiness returned. My heart just feels hollow and I have this energy that I don't know what to do with. I know that energy is anger - anger that I couldn't save her, anger that she is gone, anger that people mistreat their dogs and have them live forever...anger for everyone under the sun thinking they can be breeders, resulting in thinning out the bloodlines and genetics of America's most popular dog. Just anger....that I am alone.
I am not crying as much now, but there are times that I just can't help it. The things that trigger me are strange. My heart ached the other day when I saw a woman walking her dog, stopped at a corner. The dog automatically sat when they waited to cross. It so reminded me of Maggie and how she used to do exactly that. I miss walking her. I miss the routine of her. I miss the unconditional love of her. I just miss her.
I know at some point my sadness and grief will become irritating to people around me and I am trying to not talk about it quite so much, but to not talk about her is to not talk about one of my major sources of joy over the last four years. I don't know how long it will take my heart to heal or my mind to realize that she isn't going to be there when I get home. I still find myself waiting for the two high pitched barks that she would give when she heard me close the Jeep door. She always knew when I was home. I miss the familiarity.
I am going to be okay and I am going to get myself back on track. I have to. I haven't felt well and traveling so much over the last few weeks has really taken a toll on me. There have been may day trips to conferences and meetings, along with overnights. July isn't much better and August is going to be a nightmare until Disney rolls around.
For now, that is all. I will report tomorrow on how the presentation goes. I will also try to be better at keeping up with the blog.
P.S. I decided on my way to work this morning that I would like to take a shot at writing a children's book.
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