Puppy!!

I am so excited to announce that I have officially settled on a breeder. I have been lucky enough to have found a local breeder right in Seneca Falls who has two upcoming litters. I love the idea that they are a small kennel and are local, which in my mind means I can go visit puppies more often than I would be able to with a breeder who wasn't quite so close!

Before we went to the vet's, Maggie and I talked about another puppy. I know it is what she would want me to do and I am at a point where I don't feel like it is disrespectful to her to get another. The new baby will be fantastic if she has half the personality, a quarter of the beauty, and an eighth of the heart that Magpie did.

Puppy breath. Puppy teeth. Puppy pee. Oh my!

You can see Snowcrest Labradors here. Fingers are crossed for Cami to be pregnant, but the breeder won't know for another couple of weeks, since Cami's backseat date was very recent. Cami's litter will be a mix of black and yellow. They are also waiting for Holly to come into season and she will have an all yellow litter.

They are very thorough in their clearances and health checks. She has been breeding for 13 years (my lucky number) and has had very healthy dogs.

Anyway...just wanted to share! Looks like a new round of fur, mud, and chewed items will happen in the fall.

It has been raining a lot the last few days. The other night we had a fantastic thunder storm. I opened my apartments windows wide and enjoyed the sound of the rain falling. It is such a tranquil feeling. I have always loved the rain and the effect it has on me. I remember running with my friend Shanny through the storm ditches during and after a good rain. The water was deep and the mud was oozy. Just the way I like it.

So what does the rain have to do with anything? I can't help but to think of Maggie when it rains. She didn't like to be out in it, which is so strange to me because she could have swam all day long. When it was raining, though, we ran out, she did her thing and we came right back in. I used to stand under the awning hoping that she would go on her own, which she never did. She would stand and watch me until I relented to those amazing eyes and stood out in the rain with her. That's the way it was. If I did something, so did she she. If she had to stand out in the rain, so did I.

The rain has a new meaning to me now, though. When it rains I can't help but to think of her garden and how she is going to help it grow and make it beautiful. She made my life so meaningful and colorful and now she will continue to do that from the ground up. She will literally be a part of making something living thrive - againg. I don't know what the rains have been like in Pennsylvania, but they have been mostly gentle here. It just seems fitting that the rains are being kind and gentle to her.

When she was little she would climb in the shower with me. It wasn't every day, but it was always a welcome surprise. Sometimes she would just stand in the back of the tub, but when she was really small she would march right up under the sprinkle. When she started doing this she was so little she couldn't get herself in the tub. I had to pick up her fanny and haul her over the side. I am convinced that it wasn't the shower she liked, but the towel and the rubbing that came after.

After she swam or had been in any kind of water we always had to have a good towel down. She would see towel and her body would automatically go into happiness overdrive. I would rub it down over her back and she would lean. You know the lean - all of her weight against your legs, usually resulting in her sitting on your foot from being so happy and relaxed.

Yeah. I miss her. I know that people will get tired of reading about her and listening to me remember her (and mourn her), but it has been days since I have cried and now here I sit with tears running down my cheeks.

There are just so many things on my mind today. I am remembering packing up my classroom in Wellsville last year and having no idea where I was going or what I was doing, but I knew that I had Maggie, and Scout, and Nala...and at that time, Meadow, too. I feel such a profound sense of loss for so many things. My job, my house, Meadow, seeing my friends, and most importantly Maggie. So many things have changed and I often wonder how I keep up with them. I guess the answer is that I just have no choice. Even when My Maggie is gone, I am not. My world keeps turning and I keep breathing. It hurts sometimes, but I keep doing it.

Last night was a beautiful night for running. I didn't go out until somewhere around 8:45 or so. It was dusky, but not yet dark and the temperature was perfect. I was thrilled to be able to wear my running capris, which are just better than shorts any day of the week. I had some time to do some thinking and actually had a decent run. I am working os hard to get things back on track and start taking care of myself again. I have to. I have no choice.

I am getting ready to go into a management team meeting this morning and I don't know if I am done crying or not. Maybe I won't have to talk. That would be fantastic.

The Great Chipmunk Incident!

What a weekend. Let me just say that first off. I am drained. Running on little sleep, but lots of fun and that seems to matter in the summer.

Friday afternoon was a visit to the massage therapist for a craniosacral massage (much needed). Knowing that I had lost Maggie, she spent a little extra time on the heart chakra, which she did not do on my last visit.

Friday night was a night out with the girls. Down to Curly's for a couple of drinks and home by 12:15ish. I had had enough to drink to have a headache in the morning.

Saturday brought a youth training day here at the United Way office. We finished up around 2:00 and I headed to Wellsville.

I went to a birthday party for a friend who turned 40. There was a bon fire and live "music," but it was great to be outside and hang with Cristin for a while.

I stayed the night at Erica's and when I got up Sunday morning, I came downstairs and she was on the phone with her daughter while rearranging furniture. I wasn't really sure what was happening until she told me that a chipmunk had run into the house while she was rearranging recycling bins on the porch. The door was still wide open and she was setting up furniture to make a chute to get little chippy out. She told me it was in the bathroom, so I stood on the bottom stair as I swung around looking for the little bugger. I didn't know if chipmunks bit, so I was sure to put on my oh-so-protective flip-flops. Surely they would save me.

So, I wandered incredibly cautiously into the bathroom looking for Erica's new roommate. As I was standing talking to her, I saw it scurry across the floor and hide behind the trash can. I wasn't really sure where it went since it looked like a little sock shoved in the corner. In any case I screamed like a little girl and he eventually came running out into the living room into the "chute" where Erica was ready with the broom. Chipmunks are little and apparently they don't play by the rules.

He saw his opening and took it. Darting under the recliner, he shot like a rocket across the living room floor under the sofa. Great! So, here we are sliding one end of the sofa forward then the other only to not have the chipmunk come out. We secure the perimeter, closing all of the doors are blockading the openings (because it worked so well the first time). Eventually, we flushed him and he weaved across the room like a drunken sailor looking for the right ship. Zig zagging, he is trying to find an escape, I am shrieking, and Erica is cracking up encouraging him to run to freedom. Eventually, he did make it to the door and that was the end of the great chipmunk incident. They are not easy to shoo out, let me just tell you.

So, I did it. I ran last night. No kidding. It wasn't fast. It wasn't quick. It wasn't long, but I did it. It was also hotter than HELL. Sweat pouring off me, I trudged my old short route and made it through. The goal is to string a few of those nights together to build back up again. It did feel good. I admit it.

Today is a month without Maggie. Last night was difficult. Every whimper the cats heard from me, one of them came running which was sweet. This morning Scout gave the strangest meows. Just sorrowful, heartbreaking meows. Do I think that he knows it is a month? No. But I know he misses his bud. They were thick as thieves. As I was getting out of the shower this morning he was sitting in front of the tub meowing at me. I said "Do you miss Maggie?" and his meow was indescribable. I've never heard him made such a sad noise.

It seems like forever and yesterday all at the same time. I love you to bits Magpie.

We did well!

I am happy to report that our presentation in Albany went very well. The topic was engaging youth in shared decision-making in organizations and schools (like school boards, board of directors, etc). We had about 35 people, which is FAR more than we had expected. We had a great time slot, which really helped. First session of the morning had a lot of attendees. Sessions after lunch and in the evening are the kiss of death. Our evaluations were overwhelmingly positive, mostly being rated excellent, with two fair. There was nothing that we were evaluated on as poor. Overall, very happy with how things went.

Tomorrow is a shortened day, which ends at 2:30. We will be heading home after that and I am going to run tomorrow. I promise. Look for the report tomorrow evening.

I am deep into the book "The Kite Runner." It is a beautifully written, enthralling book. I still have many many pages to read, but I can't get to the end quick enough. That is the sign of a really good book. It has been a long time since I have found something so engaging. I am enjoying the brain candy now since I will be reading textbooks in the fall!

I have meant to direct you to the website about Garth's run across Pennsylvania. Garth is from Canton PA and this is his senior project. He is running across Pennsylvania (426 miles) to raise money for a new track in Canton. Please check out his site and make a donation if possible.

Okay....off to read and then to bed.

Look for the running report tomorrow! It won't be long, it won't be fast, but at least it will be here!

Resuming the weekend report...

I am currently in Albany attending the 21st Century Community Learning Center conference that we have to attend twice a year. One is in Albany, the other in Brooklyn. Susan and I are presenting tomorrow and need to work on nailing down the rest of the details. Full report tomorrow night. The awesome thing is that Katie, Penny, and Tim are here and is is great to see them again. It makes me feel not so disconnected from my life.

Part of the reason that I have not been blogging as much is because I have not been running and I have not been taking my laptop home with me, which is when I blogged when I was really keeping up with life. I honestly don't know what I am doing with my time, but I have a feeling that I am overdoing it in terms of work hours. I need to get back on track and start living my life and taking care of myself again. I am still very sad, but I can't continue to not do things to take care of me. I am going to make it a point to really start doing so. As soon as I get back from Albany...

Okay, so I think that I got to the point of saying that I saw Katie and Cristin and the kids over the weekend. Good fun.

Saturday was Cale's graduation party. I can guarantee that when there is a party at Aunt Alicia's, it is going to be a good time. Cale's Band (Flatt Broke) played and we had a ball. Cale is one hell of a drummer and is so happy when he is playing.

Aunt Janet once again became the Statue of Liberty and at the top of our lungs we sang the National Anthem in the garage. Such touching moments.

It is hard to believe that the four boys are grown and graduated. I don't feel old, but I sure do feel like they are catching up with me.

Mom and I spent some nice time together Sunday morning planting Maggie's garden. I bought some Bleeding Hearts, Love Pat hostas, and some other lower bright green hostas to plant at Maggie's spot. I can't seem to bring myself to calling it a "grave." A "grave" implies that she is gone and maybe I need to come to the full realization that she is gone, but I know that her spirit and energy are still here. So, for now I am going to call it her "spot." Mom cleared a nice sized area and we debated on how to layout the plants. We agreed to a nice layout that should fill in over time. I will add a St. Francis of Assissi statue to the garden once I find one that I like. I hope that I can take it to Mt. Iraneus to have it blessed before I take it to Maggie.

I was doing okay with being in that place and doing what I was doing for the reason that I was doing it, but towards the end of planting that overwhelming feeling of emptiness returned. My heart just feels hollow and I have this energy that I don't know what to do with. I know that energy is anger - anger that I couldn't save her, anger that she is gone, anger that people mistreat their dogs and have them live forever...anger for everyone under the sun thinking they can be breeders, resulting in thinning out the bloodlines and genetics of America's most popular dog. Just anger....that I am alone.

I am not crying as much now, but there are times that I just can't help it. The things that trigger me are strange. My heart ached the other day when I saw a woman walking her dog, stopped at a corner. The dog automatically sat when they waited to cross. It so reminded me of Maggie and how she used to do exactly that. I miss walking her. I miss the routine of her. I miss the unconditional love of her. I just miss her.

I know at some point my sadness and grief will become irritating to people around me and I am trying to not talk about it quite so much, but to not talk about her is to not talk about one of my major sources of joy over the last four years. I don't know how long it will take my heart to heal or my mind to realize that she isn't going to be there when I get home. I still find myself waiting for the two high pitched barks that she would give when she heard me close the Jeep door. She always knew when I was home. I miss the familiarity.

I am going to be okay and I am going to get myself back on track. I have to. I haven't felt well and traveling so much over the last few weeks has really taken a toll on me. There have been may day trips to conferences and meetings, along with overnights. July isn't much better and August is going to be a nightmare until Disney rolls around.

For now, that is all. I will report tomorrow on how the presentation goes. I will also try to be better at keeping up with the blog.

P.S. I decided on my way to work this morning that I would like to take a shot at writing a children's book.

What a crazy weird weekend.

So Friday came and how stoked was I to make it to get my hair did in Wellsville? I know that I am neurotic and there are stylists in Auburn, Seneca Falls, blah blah blah, but I am pretty sure I would fly in from California to go to Jaime. She always makes me look fab. I love that I sit in her chair and tell her to have at it. I don't have to hold her hand the entire time like I do with so many other people. Yuck.

Friday night I was with Erica at her gram's. Her grandmother just turned 85 on Friday! Unbelievable. We had a very nice visit. Her family was in from a variety of places and get this - her cousin is the personal assistant to Queen Rania, Queen of Jordan. Have you ever seen Queen Rania? Gorgeous. Disgustingly beautiful. I stayed at Erica's and headed to Cuba in the morning to see my other girls and their babes.

I met Cristin and Katie at Katie's house along with Emma, Emily, and Amelia. They are growing like little weeds. Emma has a huge amount of teeth. Amelia's are coming in slightly slower.


More later....I have to go to work. ARGH!

Ouch!

Mom called this morning on my way to work to tell me that Jeff was in the emergency room passing a (what they think is) kidney stone. OUCH. I can't imagine that feels so great. Here's hoping that baby is born soon. I told mom that I have a whole bag of special kidney disease dog food from Mags if he needs it. It's a little bland, but he doesn't really have an adventurous taste for food, anyway.

She also told me that my aunt is taking Ty to the doctor today for a concerning reason. I won't post what it is for the sake of confidentiality and not having all of the details. In any case, keep your fingers crossed and your prayers flying that everything turns out fine on that one, too.

Yesterday afternoon was our afterschool program end of the year picnic. It was a lot of fun, but I am glad that it is over. We had about 140 kids and I found yesterday at about 12:30 or so that the swimming pool was not open. WHAT?!?!? So, off to Wal-Mart to come up with some really quick activities to pass the time. We did have a moonwalk, velcro wall, and the big sumo wrestling suits already planned. I also added finger painting, car sponges, and buckets. The sponges were a big hit and we were the bucket brigade most of the afternoon. 12 sheet pizzas later, the kids and staff went home happy. I think.

Got a situation...need to run.

Positive Youth Development?

Is it something someone can learn? All of the experts come and teach about what it takes to be a good positive youth developer. Some of the components include authenticity and an irrational dedication to young people. Is it possible to learn to be authentic, especially if you don't like someone? Let's face it. There are a lot of adults who work with youth who don't really like young people. You can see it in their faces, their actions, their voices. I have just been overtraining in the area of "positive youth development" lately and it feels like the choir is tired of being preached to. I like to think (and actually believe) that I am pretty strong in the area of positive youth development. I think I "get" it. I am boycotting positive youth development trainings for a month. Maybe more, depending on how I feel after a month is up.

I ran today. It hurt, but I did it. It is crappy to think that I was running upwards of six miles on a regular basis and tonight made it for only 20 minutes and not even two miles. It always takes a while to come back to running and since I haven't really been running regularly since May 10 (according to my Nike+ site) I guess I have to take what I can get. I did follow it up with 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer, so I guess I didn't do all that poorly.

Big news from Chicago last night. Miss Princess lost her first tooth. You can click here to see her new smile, along with her new haircut. She apparently lost it eating Skittles, which is a fabulous way to lose your first tooth! Way to go, Miss Grace.

Other than that, not a ton happening. I am hoping to sleep better tonight than I did last night. I have a TON to get done at work the next few days, so I need to be super duper productive. More soon, I think...

This has been my first weekend alone at home without Magpie. I can't say that it has been easy. I kept myself quite busy yesterday, avoiding the cleaning that I knew had to be done. Today, I wasn't so lucky. Anyone who knows me, knows that cleaning is not my forte, passion, or even like. I understand that some people thrive on that kind of stuff, but I am not one of them.

Some of the things that I am going to write about are unsanitary. I know that. Some of them I knew about and was avoiding and some of them I really didn't realize. Anyway, this was my first real attempt at cleaning since bringing Maggie home from the vet's that Monday afternoon. I had gone to Katie's wedding over the weekend and Maggie was at the vet's. Anyway...

I started in the kitchen, which is where Maggie's bowls and chews still are. I made the mistake of opening the container where I keep her food, which was a big mistake. The smell of that so familiar food wafted up into my face and that was pretty much the end of it for me. I can still see us going through our morning routine, and the same in the evening when I would come home. That smell was so familiar and she could not wait to munch it down. I had finally found a food that she really enjoyed. She was picky, and always had been. Little did I know that being a picky eater was a sign of kidney disease. This makes sense sine the theory is that it was congenital. She had always been choosy about what she would eat. I took a lot of shit over feeding her premium food, but I believe that had I not fed her quality food I would not have had her as long as I did.

Her bowls are still dirty. The water bowl is empty from the cats drinking from it, but the food dish still has some traces of the ground turkey I made for her Monday night. There were also still bits on the floor around the bowl. I had mixed the turkey with some scrambled eggs (which se usually loved). She had picked out the turkey and left the eggs behind. The carpet in the living room is still stained from where she shortly threw it back up. She was so sick. I found the eggs on top of the refrigerator this morning. Yes. They had been there almost two weeks. Had I noticed them before I would have thrown them out, but apparently I have been avoiding the kitchen as much as possible. I have also been traveling.

I am still finding tennis balls and Frosty Paw cups in places that I have not expected to find them. The vacuum is still filling with brown fur. Everything is still normal here, expect that Maggie is gone. I get so pissed off when I see fur someplace in a corner or under the couch. I did everything right. I loved her more than most people love in a lifetime. I took the best care of her that I could, and still I lost her unfairly early. I should be at the lake right now, watching her launch off the boat ramp. We should be going through McDonald's to get her a vanilla frozen yogurt. We should be coming home and laying on the couch together - she chewing a rawhide and me reading a book, after a wile shifting so that her head was on my knee.

I know it is going to take time. I know that I am going to continue to be pissed off. It doesn't change the fact that I want her back. It doesn't change the fact that I hear dog tags around my apartment or smell her next to me.

Just a quick update...

This has been a busy week. I spent Memorial Day weekend at Mom's. It was great to see Libby, but she was definitely weirded out by the absence of Maggie. I can't say that I blame her. I am still weirded out, too. Anyway, the weather was nice and I got in some major reading.

Tuesday through Thursday I was in Arlington VA at a conference. The conference was sub-par to say the least, but the company was good. I was travelling with Susan and we always have a good time together. We flew and both ways we had a layover in JFK. The days were long and it would have been far quicker to just drive there - especially with the layovers. There were a group of Marines at the hotel and we had a good time with them the first night. They were from South Carolina, but visiting DC's monuments for what they were calling "mandatory fun." It was interesting.

We got back in at about 1:00 Friday morning. I am exhausted and am hoping to get caught up on some sleep soon.

Speaking of getting caught up - I just checked out my Nike+ site and I haven't really been running since May 10. I need to get back on that wagon and do it soon or all that I have gained will be lost. it is already going to hurt again, but the sooner I do it the sooner I get back there. My new goal is to lose 33 pounds by my 33 birthday. That means that I have 5 months to make that happen.

Amy and I found a house in Seneca Falls so we will be moving at the beginning of July. It is a three bedroom, 1.5 bath colonial right on the main street, but slightly out of town. The space will be fantastic and I can't wait to have a porch again. If you haven't been to Seneca Falls, it is a quaint, historical town that is safe. We had decided that we would look in Auburn, but some of the neighborhoods are not so great. Seneca Falls also means that work is a short three mile drive. I like that.

Okay. I should be re hydrating. I had several bouts with Cuervo last night and we are planning on going to the Taste of Syracuse today. Hot sun and dehydration make for a crabby girl. The cats are also driving me bonkers bananas, so I am guessing they need to be fed.

No word on the house yet. Keep your fingers crossed.