So here's the thing...

Yesterday as I was driving somewhere I thought to myself "I don't want to graduate and still be fat." There. I said it. I am fat. It's not something new to me and it isn't something that the world didn't know, but there is power in actually saying it out loud. Right?

So something's got to give. Way back in 2002 when I graduated with my masters I was in really good shape; probably the best shape of my life. I was working full-time and taking two classes a semester. I was running A LOT and would go to Curves several times a week with Katie and I think that I may have been dabbling with Weight Watchers at that point, too.

I am almost ten years older now and I know full well that if I don't get this under control NOW I never will. I am almost a year post-pulmonary embolism and when I look at my life I can't say that I take any better care of myself now than I did then with one expect ion - I can no longer take oral contraceptives, which is completely and totally fine with me because I always felt like I was poisoning my body anyway. And I was.

I don't drink enough water. I don't eat enough protein. I eat FAR too much sugar and carbohydrates. Actually, let me just put this out there, too. I am addicted to food, particularly sugar and sweets. A woman across the street was recently released from rehab for crack addiction and I kind of now how she feels. My crack is ice cream.

So let me say it now. I will not graduate fat. When I walk across the stage to receive my degree I will be PHat not Fat (get it? PHat....PhD....get it??). So today changes things today is the day. Not tomorrow. Not Tuesday. Not the first day of September. It is time for me to be accountable to myself and it isn't funny anymore.

So, much like I did back in 2006 I will be journaling my progress and actions in beating this food addiction. I can do this. And you can help support me.

Eeegads!

It's been a few minutes since I've blogged. Ooops. Several weeks (months?) ago I decided that I needed a better camera so that I could be a more effective blogger. I had been working on some projects and wanted to be able to share, but my little camera just wasn't working for me. Sooooo.....I invested in a new Nikon CoolPix 500 or something like that. Want to see what I've been up to this summer?

Good.

Because that was the point of getting the new camera! I will upload a few pictures, but the best part of the summer is coming up! I have a friend getting married in Cape May NJ in two weeks and I can't wait to be able to snap a few pictures of that lovely event! Woo hoo!

I can't go through the whole summer, but I can hit some highlights.

First, there was camping over the July 4th weekend with Katie and Cristin (and their husbands and girls!) and then camping with Mom, Jeff, Andrew, Nanny, and Bompa!


See that gorgeous girl? That's Olivia (aka Olive!)


And here is Emma, older sister to Oliva!


Meet Emily. She's a nut!


And here is little Miss Amelia. She's Emily's pesky little sister!

The following weekend was the Corn Hill Festival. My favorite "booth" was the farm market stand. Here's what they offered.




That's going to have to be it for now. I must get some things accomplished, but more pictures coming later! Oooh yeah!

Sending Libby to the Rainbow Bridge

Seven years ago this amazing, gorgeous yellow lab entered our lives. Wandering and lost, she was found and listed on Petfinder.com. My father and I went to pick her up and she lived with him for a brief time. Upon realizing that his was not the best home for her, Libby came to live with me and my young chocolate lab, Maggie. Maggie and Libby were great friends. Riding together, swimming together, playing together. They offered each other companionship and a playmate while I was away at work.

My mom and her husband, Jeff agreed to give Libby a forever home. She came to live with them and grew as a dog and companion. Her gentle spirit, dark, loving eyes, and old soul shined through every day. She was silly and serious all at the same time. Always patient except for with puppy antics.

I lost my Maggie when she was young, just four and a half years old to kidney failure. Libby mourned her loss and would jump in the Jeep looking for her when I came to visit my mom and Jeff. All of this time Libby has carried around a pink rabbit that was Maggie's. She took it with her on walks, out to the lawn, and to bed at night. I liked to believe that it was her way of remembering Maggie.

Some people say "It's just a dog." To me, that's like saying "It's just a kid." Dogs enrich our lives and show us the uncompromising and unwanting love that people often fail to show. They show us what it means to be a good "person." Always there, always listening more than they are talking, always willing to play, stretching first thing in the morning, and waiting so patiently for the person they love to come home. Greetings are full of love and life, and for me always include some "gift" that Belle (my 4 year old black lab) meets me at the door with. They aren't proud and they don't take themselves too seriously. They smile. They roll in the grass. They do what feels good in their soul. Without fail, they bring us enduring love.

Losing a dog is one of the most painful things a human can experience. The loss and loneliness that comes with sending them to the rainbow bridge is something I can't describe other than to say it's a sudden emptiness. The days that were once filled with routine and tennis balls and swims in the river are replaced by days spent tidying up the house and finding parts of your lives together; the bowl laying in the entry or the favorite toy out in the lawn.

Today we will say goodbye to our dear friend Libby. Unwavering in her love for her humans and so very brave until the very end. My heart will ache for you, but I have to have faith that Maggie will meet you and bring you with her. I am not a woman of deep faith, but I have to believe that beautiful souls such as those of Maggie and Libby don't just evaporate with the passing of a body. They endure and come back to us in a new body, as a new companion.

And so I will wait for your return, Ms. Libby Lou. You are loved to the moon and beyond. I am so honored to have been a part of your life. You have brought us endless joy, and now at this time you will bring us deep, deep sorrow. We don't cry for you. We cry for us and the hole that we will have to work to patch in our hearts.

You are my favorite yellow lab ever.

Love to you, sweet girl.

Run free and enjoy the sunshine on your face.

Out of the blue...

Sometimes it just comes right out of the blue and the *whap* tears are streaming down my face and I am remembering my incredible girl Maggie (Happy Valley Maggie M'eh?). It was four years ago this week that I had to let her go. Four years ago that she was so sick and so tired and so amazing.

Maggie was my first dog on my own. My mom told me not to get a dog, but I am a strong, willed independent kind of girl and I wanted one. My landlords said yes and it was game on. The weekend before Maggie came to be mine, I was in Canada with my (now ex) boyfriend, Brian. Brian and I had gone to a dog show and it just happened to be showing the sporting breeds, specifically golden retrievers. I love goldens, but we had always had labs and I loved them, too.

The next Monday I asked Brian which he preferred, a lab or a golden. Brian said he wanted a golden; we got a lab. I looked in the newspaper to see what was available (I was young, naive, and didn't really understand the consequences of backyard breeding at that time). I called a number and was set to go see two female chocolates that afternoon. When I went into the house I was greeted by two, small, furry, beautiful chocolate girls. One was small and shy, the other robust and outgoing. Immediately, the larger of the two latched onto my shoe laces and started tugging. I decided at that moment I didn't want that one. I kept trying to push her away to bond with the smaller, more docile pup. It didn't work. The big one kept coming to me and eventually she was riding home on my lap across country roads.

Maggie went through many name changes prior to settling on "Maggie." She was Mocha, Godiva, Daisy and god only knows what else. I didn't want to name her Maggie, but it's what stuck. She was the perfect Maggie.

Mags loved almost everyone she came in contact with, but like most labs she was a great judge of character. She steered clear of questionable people, but freely loved those she trusted. Maggie loved me, but would have left me in a second. She was secure in herself and would wander far away sometimes as I hid behind a tree trying to teach her a lesson. She always came back, but I wasn't always sure that she would.

I loved her so much and was heartbroken when I found out she was suffering from kidney failure. She was just four and a half when I had to make the decisions to let her go. She went so gracefully and calmly, partly because she just felt so miserable, but mostly because it was just who she was.

Maggie rests on my grandparents hill and is overlooked by a St. Francis statue. Each time I visit my grandparents I can see the statue from the dining room table. I've often thought it might be time to bring the statue home with me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It belongs to Maggie and it's where it needs to stay.

Today, I have Belle who is an amazing and loyal girl. She is so different from Mags in almost every way. She's shorter and wider and she doesn't retrieve. She is so loyal to me and sticks close to my side. My dad thinks she would go with anyone, but I beg to differ. She doesn't let me out of her sight. I love her so so much and look forward to nice long, healthy partnership with her.

There is just no love like that from a labrador.

God speed, Mags.

A new name and a new look.

This weekend just flew by. I'm glad I have tomorrow to recoup! (I know.... I know.... Get a job.)

The weather has been simply miserable. The grass is wet and the mud is soggy; both are conditions Belle loves. We've not been to the park in a week because I know the river will be swift and dirty. Every inch of her will be covered in mud and dirt and that doesn't go well in the cream interior of my little Sue-bee. Who thought it was a good idea to get a light colored interior with a black, usually wet and mud covered dog? I don't know what I was thinking. It won't happen again!

Anyway, to show Belle some extra love I've been making all of her dog treats from scratch. The vet said she needed to lose ten pounds of "chub" so I've been really paying attention to what's been going into her yapper. She especially loves Snickerdoodle Poodle Poos (and so does my Dad, but that's another story!), but tonight she's getting Belle's PBO's (peanut butter oatmeal - I just made that up in case I start a dog treat business some day. *ahem*). Anyway, she was showing some signs of a wheat allergy (licking paws, scratchy skin) so I decided to eliminate it as much as possible. All of her treats arre now made with ingredients such as oat and brown rice flour, oatmeal, safflower oil, honey (from the Rochester farmer's market!), molasses, peanut butter, dried cranberries, flax seed, carob chips....and I try to use organic and all natural.

Why go the extra mile for a dog? I mean, she's just a dog, right? Here's the thing. Belle gives me this amazing, unconditional love. She makes me get out of bed. She makes me take walks. She makes me leave my desk after writing for three or four hours at a stretch. She always has something in her mouth when she greets me at the door, and if she doesn't she runs and gets something before she'll come to me. It's like she brings me a gift every time I come home. She's funny and she's sweet and she protects me. She's worth the extra mile.

Much like George's, Labs are prone to chubbiness. Every pound that she is overweight shortens her lifespan and let's face it; dogs don't live nearly long enough. it's part of the heartbreak that comes with being owned by such an amazing creature. Yes, I said "owned" by a dog. She owns me as much as I own her. She's amazing.

I've always said that I hoped that I could find love in a human like the love of a dog. Maybe it's why I am still single. I'm not sure any person is that selfless or unconditional.

Love you, Belle George!

Bed love.

I love mornings. And I love my bedroom.

I never thought I would hear those words pass my lips, but mornings have become the favorite part of my day. We've settled into a nice routine since I've been unemployed and I know it is going to be very difficult to train myself out of these habits.

Before my mom came to visit for Mother's Day weekend I did some serious cleaning/rearranging/organizing/getting rid of stuff. My apartment was filled with clutter and stuff I thought I absolutely needed. I realized at some point that those things were absolutely not needed. I filled a large black garden-type garbage bag and a comforter bag full of things to leave my home. It felt good to let things go. I've worked to keep it organized and clean and it feels so good to wake up to a clean kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, office area, but I digress...

So each morning I wake up in a bed that I loooooove. It is like a giant cloud and I've been told more than once that I put together a nice bed. So what's the scoop?

Layer 1 - a faux featherbed (a luxury in itself). My great-grandmother always had feather beds and I've had an ongoing love affair with them. When I moved from Geneva from Rochester it was time to let the other feather bed go since it had definitely seen better days. Mom gave me this new (faux) feather bed for Christmas and it is loftier and more sumptuous than the feathers were. It's love.

Layer 2: Good sheets from TJ Maxx. I used to hate it when Mom dragged me to TJ Maxx, because I thought it was just a bunch of crap. I can't stand picking through the clothes, but the TJ Maxx in Canandaigua is also a Home Goods and is heaven. It's the best one around and well worth the drive. Anyway, I have picked up a few pairs of 400 thread count sheets there and they just feel marvelous.

Layer 3: A lightweight down comforter from Ikea with duvet. Ikea sells a whole line of different weight down comforters for a very reasonable price. The problem is finding an Ikea close enough! This one was picked up on a Schools Attuned mission in Long Island last year. A great purchase, indeed!

Layer 4: A down conforter with a Shabby Chic duvet cover. I've bought a lot of bedding over the years, but this is definitely my favorite. The duvet makes it so easy to wash regularly and get rid of animal hair. There's nothing better than clean sheets, clean duvet and a feather bed.

Layer 5 : So, I know some of you are absolutely sweltering by now, but I love the heavy weight of blankets! So layer 5 is a cotton quilt, also from the Shabby Chic line at Target. I love love love this quilt. I've tried to replace it, but I just can't. The color is beautiful and soothing.

I reoriented my bed (which entails taking it completely apart, including the side rails) by turning it 90 degrees from how it was originally positioned, allowing it to face a window and let more light in. I know some of you prefer to sleep in a bat cave, but I haven't found that extra light really bothers me in the morning. Actually, the bed has moved twice since I moved here (it was originally in the loft space) and I like it best this way.

Anyway, I was planning to write about my morning routine, not my thick and sumptuous bed, here you have it.... The morning routine post will have to wait for another day!

Where'd this weather come from?!

Belle is in heeeeeeeeaven!

We just got back from a good play at Ellison Park and she's a tuckered out pup. Passed out cold on the floor snoring. I love her when she's like this.

Sometimes when she is wet and the sun is shining on her undercoat I see hints of chocolate. I'm convinced it's because Maggie is hiding somewhere inside of her. I told Mom the other day that I picked pretty good puppies. She corrected me quickly and said, "MAGGIE picks really good puppies. She's the one who sent you Belle." Oh, Mags. I sure miss you.

I got a little sunshine on my cheeks, too. Hello, freckles! I miss you during the cold winter months. I wish you'd stick around a little longer. And stop fading. I want to keep you forever! When I was little I would have done anything to get rid of those freckles, and now I can't get enough of them. I wish I had a kid picture of me with my freckles, but I can't seem to find one. Argh.

Anyway, here's a cute little picture of a cute little black lab. It's not Belle, but it is what she's doing right now. Life is pretty okay.