The surreal life.

My last two days have felt somewhat like an out of body experience. I see her there, but I can't touch her. Yesterday morning was almost harder than Tuesday morning, when I knew she would be leaving me. Tuesday was a day that I saw her, felt her. Yesterday was the beginning of my never touching her again.

I knew that my life revolved around Mags, but I seriously never realized what that meant. It meant that when I get out of the shower in the morning, I step around her so she doesn't have to move, even though I could easily slip. It means that while I am doing make-up I go to her on the corner of my bed and hold her head in my hands and kiss her nose telling her how amazing she is. She gets annoyed and pulls away. It means that I leave the last two spoonfuls of milk in the bottom of my cereal bowl so that she can finish it. I was eating gummy worms on the couch tonight and still bit them in half, handing the other half to Scout who looked at me like I was crazy. I had no idea that I was in such a routine, so completely trained by Mags.

Speaking of looking like I am completely crazy, I had a little episode in Target this afternoon. Maggie always loved the AKC stuffed animals. Her goose was one of these animals. Every time I was at Target, I would look to see if they had any new animals. Our collection included a goose, pheasant, squirrel, rabbit, possum, duck, and at one point a fox. Without thinking today I walked to the pet section. As I caught myself looking at the animals and the treat jars it hit me like a boulder. I stood frozen, realizing what I had done. Tears streamed down my face, but still I stood in the middle of the dog aisle not moving. I really do feel the joy she brought me and that has carried me through well. It is the loneliness and empty couch that are taking me by storm.

Each time I turn into the driveway, I see her running across the lawn chasing her tennis ball. I park the Jeep and listen for her barking, being so familiar with the sound of me coming home and walking down the sidewalk that she would bark twice. Always the same pitch. Always twice. I come to the top of the stairs and feel my eyes starting to burn. I put my key in the lock and turn it in full fledged tears. I open the door and look at the futon, watching to see her put her front feet on the floor, her back feet on the cushion, stretch in between and then come to greet me at the door. Normally I would grab the leash and head out the door. Now I stand in the doorway not knowing what to do.

I know this will pass, but honestly I don't want it to. I want to see Maggie everywhere I look. I want to remember what she sounded like when she yawned, when she was annoyed because I wouldn't throw the ball. I want to remember what her heat felt like next to me on the couch, curled with her head on my knee. I want to remember her feet smelling like corn chips (I made anyone smell them who would agree to). I want to remember her beautiful coat and her ridiculously soft ears. I want to remember her puppy breath that smelled like coffee, and the way that she would snap like a crocodile if you didn't tell her "be nice" when giving a treat. I want to feel it. I want to remember it. I want to remember her.

I am happy with the memories that I have. I think about her healthy, not ill. I am not making excuses for what I had to do or what could have possibly caused her to be sick. I am not second guessing myself. I'm not. I can't. My brain firmly believes that she was born this way, that something was genetically off. She was my girl, healthy, sound, with a tail like a wrecking ball. I refuse to remember her any other way.

I am exhausted. At this point in the night I would normally say, "Bed time." At this time Maggie would normally bolt to the bed with a flying leap and be tucked in before I can even think about making it there. I would normally unplug the lights, lock the door, and climb in bed. Normally we would snuggle until she cracked me in the head while flailing around.

Normally.

This is so clearly not "normally."

Maggie's Life Lessons

Maggie was an incredible spirit, full of wisdom and spunk. She took a firm hand, a big heart, and at times a ridiculous amount of patience. She could be stubborn. There is no doubt about it. I am having a hard time and will write more about that another day, but this morning in an attempt to find comfort, I started to think about all of the little lessons that I learned from Maggie. Sure, some things I already knew, but some I really did learn from Maggie. Here are some of them...

• Don't just feel the sunshine. Smell it. Face your chin towards the sky and breath it in. Maggie did. She loved the sunshine.
• Don't be afraid to poop in public. If it makes you feel better to pick two or three spots, go for it. Just make sure you do a dance when you are done.
• Pick the biggest stick. You don't know if you can manage the big stick if you don't try. No stick was too big for Maggie. Ever.
• Bark until you get what you want, but make sure you really want it. Don't bark for a piece of lettuce if you don't like lettuce simply to see if you can get it.
• Chase what you love, regardless of whether it is a tennis ball, a person, or a cat. Chase it.
• Eat ice cream wherever you wish. Suitable places include by the toilet, on the couch, on the bed, or in the laundry basket. It doesn't matter where you eat it. Just eat it.
• Leave nose prints on windows. It lets people know you were there, making you unforgettable.
• Watch people as they leave, even if you are chewing a biscuit. Make eye contact and let them know you will be waiting for them to come back.
• Make your splash big.
• Take time to roll in the grass. Eat it, too. It's just grass!
• Love your entire body. When you are happy, let your body shake to the tip of your tail.
• Walk with a swagger. Let your hips swing and walk with confidence. Maggie had a signature walk.
• Be nice to dogs who are smaller than you. Just because you are big doesn't mean you have to intimidate. Maggie loved all dogs - especially small ones.
• Lean against the people you love. Literally.
• Enjoy nakedness. Don't wear a collar if you don't have to.
• Sleep with what you love. If you forget your goose, go get it.
  
• Get off the couch when you are happy to see someone. It doesn't matter if you are napping or comfortable. It matters that they have arrived.
• Follow the person you love. Always. Let them know they are adored. Maggie was a star at this.
• Kiss. A lot.
• Life is too short to pout. If you can't play ball, go find your goose.
• Always know where the people you love are. Keep them all in one room so you don't have to try to decide where you should be.
• Be patient. Wait for toilet to flush before you try to drink.
• Notice where others have marked, but don't obsess. It is just a mark.
• Make the house into a race course. Run for no other reason than simply because you can.
• Nudge when you need affection. If they don't pay attention, climb fully onto their lap.
• Let people love you. Roll around like a maniac, but give in sometimes, too.
• When it is time to go, say goodbye. Hug them. Kiss them. Give them something to remember. (Look for more on this in future posts - Maggie gave me an incredible memory)

I have no doubt that I will continue to realize lessons from Miss Maggie. I will add them as they become clear.

She trained me well. I am honored to have been owned by her.

I think I must have woken up in someone else's life this morning...

All of my love, sweet girl. You will always be by my side,
in my heart, and in my soul.

Dear St. Francis,

As you probably know, I had to take my beautiful girl Maggie to the vet's this morning. We weren't sure what was wrong with her except that she wasn't her usual, amazing self. She wasn't interested in the tennis ball or chasing the cats. She wasn't bringing her goose or possum to bed with her. She was being picky and not really eating her food. She would eat cottage cheese, but not her dog food.

When we came in this morning from playing a very minimal amount of ball, she had some seizure-like activity, falling over on her side with no control. it was fairly quick, but felt like an eternity. Following that, she went into the bedroom and threw up. I immediately called the vet.

After blood and urine tests, the vet called to tell me that Maggie is undergoing kidney failure. WHAT?!?! Kidney failure. I have been so careful with what I feed her, how I play with her, where I take her, the kind of treats I buy for her. I am so careful about the toys, the leashes, the collars. I put all of my heart into my beautiful girl.

Maggie is now at the vet hospital with an iv, antibiotics, and a catheter. She has her goose and possum and I hope that helps. I don't know how long she will be there or when I can bring her home.

So, please send your love, prayers, and if you have to your BEGGING to St. Francis. I don't care if you are Catholic or not. Say it. I am not going to be a pretty person if I don't have my girl with me for a long time to come.

Over the shoulder boulder holders.

Ladies. If you have not been properly fit for a bra lately, I highly recommend it. Guys. If you don't want to think about boobs, the twins, fun bags, melons, jugs, etc. then skip to further down in this blog.

I discovered yesterday that I was wearing the wrong bra size. I was in the ballpark and I had one of the measurements right. The other...well...let's just say that I was slightly off on the other. I nearly fell over when the official size was announced in the store. I am pretty sure my face went red. I fought it and said that no way could that be correct. And then I tried on the size recommended. It pays to wear the right size. There has been no tugging, pulling, adjusting, and best of all...no tired shoulders and back today. My shirts fit better and I have a better boob profile. I am throwing out all of the old bras. They've got to go. I thought that as long as the girls were completely covered and the band went around the ribs I was wearing the right size. Wrong. Go get measured.

I met mom in Binghamton Friday to pick up my new phone. Follow closely. I now have one phone that is Cingular and one that is Verizon. Why? Because my mom and sister are on Cingular and I was paying at least $50/month to talk to them. Not that they aren't worth it, but c'mon... So here are the new numbers:

Verizon: 315-651-6820
Cingular: 315-842-7706

My old 315-406-4177 number will be going away very shortly. You will see me use both numbers above, but it is likely that I will use the Cingular on nights and weekends. Don't panic. It will be free. Is everyone clear? I hope so.

Okay, that is about all for now, I think. I am going to read a while and hit the sack early. Tomorrow is a long day of management meetings. I am sure to blog about that. I should have some good material.

That's some pig!

Okay, first I can't guarantee what this blog will say or how long it will be since I am watching Charlotte's Web. It just started and I should either watch or write, but I am doing both. Mags is happily at my feet cleaning her Kong of peanut butter.

I also want to give a plug to Kashi's Vanilla instant oatmeal. YUM. I'm serious. It is fab, especially with some raisins and maple syrup on it. I also want to plug Blockbuster online. This is the easiest way to get movies and you can trade in your mailer for a free rental at the store. For $10/month it is WAY cheaper than cable.

Work sucks. I wouldn't necessarily say that work sucks, but a few people suck. I apparently embarass a few when I am out in public and am not a good representative of the agency for which I work. Uhhh....excuse me? This particular woman who has beef with me picks her nose in meetings so how exactly is that representing the agency well? Give me a friggin' break. Oh..and I apparently belch in public. Who knew?

I went to look at an apartment today in Lyons with Amy. I guess it has been decided that we are going to share a place. She loves Mags and I am going to need the help when I start school. On the phone the landlor told me it was "high end." Apparently "high end" in Lyons is low end in most other places. It looks like we will look for a place in Auburn. Neither of us love Auburn, but at least there is Wegman's and the YMCA and movie theaters. And the lakes. I really don't want to move away from the lakes. Seriously. Well, at least until after I finish school and move to Chicago. :)

We are still waiting for pictures of Miss Grace's new haircut. Are you listening? We need them.

Oh gosh. wilbur is playing in the mud puddle and I am not going to lie. It looks like FUN. I remember playing in more than one storm ditch when I was a kid. Mud was one of my most favorite substances.

I have started a new exercise program that includes only three runs per week. I ahve not been doing so good at getting my runs in, so I am struggling a bit. Basically, it is one night of cross training followed by a night of running intervals, followed by another night of cross training, followed by a tempo run, followed by a day off (tomorrow...THANK GOD), followed by a long run and then another day off. I am thinking that maybe I pushed it too hard on the cross training days because my legs are B.E.A.T. I am also making the transition to running outside again, too, though so that may be part of it. In any case, I am seriously looking forward to my day off tomorrow.

Okay, my oatmeal is gone and I am signing off. More soon!

Fatty made a run for it.

Waddle. Waddle. Waddle. That's what ole fatty fat fat Scout looked like as he "ran" down the apartment building hallway. I opened the door, heard a "meeeow" as he whizzed by me. He didn't get far before he circled back towards me and tried to run past. I have a feeling that "Chase Scout Down the Hallway" season has begun. Fantastic.

My allergies are somewhat better. I can now breathe out of my left nostril. The right one is still running, but it is much better than it was. I was actually able to go to the gym today, which felt great. After an hour on the elliptical and a circuit of Nautilus I came home and took Mags for a short walk. When we got back to our building it was so nice that we played around in the grass for a while. It was the perfect temperature. So nice to be able to be out in shorts and a t-shirt.

The house visit over the weekend was a catastrophe. Don't get me wrong. The house was gorgeous, but if something seems too good to be true it usually is. And it was. When I got the house the landlord greeted me at the door. He explained that it was a 4000 square foot house situated on five acres. HOLY COW. He also told me there would be a few people around since he was having a Cinco de Mayo party. I would have had a party in my empty house, too so I didn't think much of it...until he showed me his master bedroom and workspace. The guy lives there. He failed to mention that. He and another guy live there. HELLO?!?!? Isn't that kind of important to mention? I was pissed that I had driven all the way out there and had been mislead. the apartment hunting thing officially now SUCKS.

I think that is about it for now. Can't think of much else. I need to get the house contract in the mail tomorrow. I actually think I am ready.

I'm sorry for the delay...

Gosh. Sorry for the delay in the blog slacking these days. It was another busy week and I haven't had much time in the office. I know. Excuses won't be accepted. I don't really remember where I left off. Monday, maybe?

Okay, let's think...oh yeah....I was having a meeting with a school that we perhaps needed to pull program from. That is still the case. I would call the meeting a stalemate with neither side really budging. The kicker is that we can't budge. With us it is about funding and regulations and responsibility for our grants. Yikes. We have not revisited the topic in a few days, but I do know that it is something that we will need to smack at again.

Wednesday night was Dirty Dancing in the theater. That was pretty awesome. It is the 20th anniversary and it was fun to see it on the big screen. I used to practice my little dance on a log across a stream down by the covered bridge in Newfield fairly regularly. I never did find a man quite like Patrick Swayze to practice with, though. *sigh*

Last night was orientation at the University of Rochester. It is a different ball game. One C puts you on academic probation and two C's put you in the category of "involuntary withdrawal." That's no joke. They expect nothing but A's. Granted, it is no longer undergrad, but at Penn State they really didn't care if you got a D. You could take the class again another semester. Not this time around. In any case, the orientation pretty much convinced me that Rochester is where I should probably be living.

Which brings me to housing... I looked at a gorgeous apartment last night in downtown Rochester, but it is $640/month plus utilities. I will still be driving to Rochester and am concerned about the price that gas will hit. The landlord has a house in Penfield that he wants me to look at. The rent is cheaper than the apartment in the city, too. He hasn't given me an exact rent, but did send pictures this morning. Check this out...

I have no idea if I will be able to afford it or not, but how gorgeous is this place? I would be so thrilled to be back into a house. I won't miss stupid downstairs neighbors. I have given up television and no longer have cable, so that would be one less cost. I guess I will make it work if I really want to be there bad enough. I am supposed to see it tomorrow or Sunday. I will be sure to update as to the status.

Speaking of housing, I called the Realtor in Wellsville today to list the house. Not sure how I feel about it, but I just have to remember that it is a house. That's all. it's just a structure. There are definitely some memories there I would like to be able to pack up and hold onto for always and then there are those that I would prefer to never resurface. The house was definitely a place of ups and downs. It's where Mags grew up, but I guess the most important thing is that she is with me here and now. I can't stay "there" forever. I hope it just sells quick at this point.

Rumor has it that my lovely niece gave herself a haircut all while her mom and dad were in the next room. Not only did she give herself a trim, but she swiped the scissors off of my sister's dresser without Michelle ever even noticing. She is a sly one. Tomorrow she gets a professional haircut. Michelle says she has looked like she got her out of a dumpster since she groomed herself and had an oozy eye from pink eye this week. Poor L'il Miss Grace. Michelle says that every time she brushes her hair she asks Grace why she did it. Apparently Grace's answer falls along the line of "I don't know, mama. I told you that. What else do you want me to say?" Apparently, though, she wanted to look like a little girl in her class (who's name is also Grace) who has really short hair. That's my girl! I can't wait to see her new haircut, by the way.

Allergies are kicking my ass this year. I'm not sure what's up with that, but I've nearly had it. Tissues are never far away and my poor nose is rudolphy. That was not a good combination for my field trip to the Cayuga Nature Center with a high school group from South Seneca today. Out on the ropes course and I am sneezing and wiping my nose all day. Not fun. On the other hand, I don't find the ropes course nearly as much fun as I did 12 years ago. The high elements are really...well....high.

I came across this really cool website today called Pandora. It allows you to input the name of an artist or a song that you like and then builds a playlist around that sound. It is awesome. I have it plugged in to computer speakers as I write and the list has been fantastic. Just thought I would mention it.

Okay. I think all has been updated at this point. Once again, I will try to be more focused this week and keep things updated a bot more regularly. Apologies to my regular readers.

Good night!