I just have to keep pushing the bruise, don't I?

Let's get the world news out of the way first. Sadam was hung? They really don't screw around, do they? Imagine if the American system worked that quickly. Oh wait. If that were the case, the prisons in Texas would be empty. Nevermind.

On to the really "important" stuff...

So yesterday I was obsessed with the thought that "he" still had a key to my apartment. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, but that it just didn't feel right. He wouldn't use it if I needed him to anyway. I sent a text asking him to let me know that the key was gone. Nothing. No response. Once again, I let it ruin my day and felt sorry for myself. Mag and I went to bed early and hoped for a better day today.

Thankfully, I woke up in a semi-decent mood. As Mag and I sat on the couch I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my day. I decided that I would take Mag out to play, hop in the shower, and then start writing the term paper that needs to be included in the U of R application. The only thing that went right was the shower (and let's face it...that's pretty hard to screw up!)

As I took the Mags out to play, it was raining. She doesn't like to hang out in the rain and neither do I. So, back in we came.

Meanwhile, this whole thought about the key is suffocating my mind. Sometimes I wonder if just my thoughts are obsessive compulsive. If you've seen my place you know that I am not obsessive compulsive about anything else. When it comes to thoughts, though, I can't seem to let them go. it almost feels like a balloon blowing up and up and up until I can't take it anymore. I really try to let some of the air out and it works for a little while, but before I know it I am blowing that sucker right back up. It's not fun. It makes me look crazy. It makes me FEEL crazy. It embarasses me and I can't seem to do a friggin' thing about it. I write, I try to do the four questions, but nothing is making this thought go away "If I knew that he didn't have the key anymore, that would give me some closure and I could move on."

So, after the balloon blowing up and up and up, I call. I'll spare the details of the call, but I did get a few things off my chest and I feel a bit better for having said them. We are never going to be friends, so let's get that out of te way right now. I may be crazy, but I am not delusional. I think that I must ave shamed him into finally answering me, because a few hours later I got a message saying that "Yeah i threw it away" That was it. There was much more to the message that I left, but apparently he wasn't interested in addressing any of them. Most notably I mentioned that if I was in a relationship with someone that I really wanted it to work with I wouldn't be asking for more time...I would be asking them to not contact me. Period. Nothing.

So, anyway, I made myself the promise that if he told me the key was gone I would move on and never contact him again. So far so good. I haven't had the urge or the desire. Not bad. I've made it a whole 11 hours since I got the reply. I'm really hanging in there!

Back to the paper...I sat down to start writing. Holy schmoley it's been a loooong time since I've written a term paper. It is even more difficult wince this one isn't even assigned. Try coming up with a topic when your only guideline is a "contemporary issue in education." That is a HUGE field. I called my trusty Katie for some advice, and we hammered out a few ideas. Back to the computer to start a lit review. I start searching, get bored, quit. Maybe tomorrow will be the day?

After hanging out at home for a while (whic seemed really nice today), I headed to the YMCA. I am back into the swing of things and seem to be addicted to the elliptical trainer right now. I was Georgelicious just workin' on my fitness... 15 minutes on the elliptical, then up to the indoor track to try out my new Nike+ gadget. I had calibrated it the other day, and wanted to see if it was accurate. So, I started running. Then I lost count of the laps. CRAP! Amy was with me, but was walking. I asked her how many laps and remembered that I had lapped her at least twice. Attempting to recalibrate, I started in on the next mile. About five laps in, I get ready to lap Amy and she shows me her stomach, which is all broken out in hives. Apparently there was a fungus in her shirt or in the Y that she was having a reaction to. So, off the track and back to the elliptical. The Nike+ system will have to wait to be recalibrated tomorrow. Oddly, the Y was busy at 5:00 in te afternoon on a Saturday. Plenty of eye candy and wasa lucky enough to have a nice fanny land in front of me on the treadmill. I'll take that view.

After that I took Mags back out to try to get some play time. She was slow, but I thought she was just being lazy. Once I got her back inside, there was blood with every step she took. She has a big gash in her front, left paw. Every time she exerts any kind of energy, the cut reopens and bleeds. We went to Amy and Shawn's for dinner tonight and Mags left little red spots all over the cream color carpet. Think of three adults on their hands and knees scrubbing out blood spots with peroxide while the dog sits in the middle and watches. Tomorrow I will need to get stuff to wrap the paw (which is going to go over like Winegard at a Weight Watchers meeting) and some neosporin. Hopefully that will help it heal a little more quickly. Until then, I will have a pouty dog who doesn't get to play for a while. The odd thing is that the gash is right near the broken nail, so I am wondering if it all happened at the same time? I don't know when or where. I just know there is blood. LOTS of blood.

Tomorrow...what will tomorrow bring? Here's hoping I sleep well and wake up in a decent mood. At this point, I pretty much know how my day will go as soon as I open my eyes. If I wake up with a nagging thouht in the morning, I am done for. Let's hope for the best. I am going to try to bang out some of this paper tomorrow. Gotta get it done.

That's it for now. I am tired. Maggie is snoring on the couch next to me and the cats are chasing each other around like they are posessed. Sometimes I am convinced they are. Maybe my entire little pack is posessed? At least we are all weird together. Scout has been really needy lately. It must be in the air.

Hakuna Matata?

Do you remember this scene from the Lion King?

Timon: Let me get this straight. You know her. She knows you. But she wants to eat him. And everybody's okay with this? [jumps up suddenly]

Timon: Did I miss something?

This is the kind of conversation that is going on in my noggin this morning. As you may remember I got a text message last week saying that the friend thing was complicated and that was a compliment to me because I made "her" nervous and that he needed more time. Well whoopty doo. That sure is one hell of a compliment.

For some reason this message really got under my skin this morning and I had a similar scene going on in my head as the conversation above. It went something like this...

Jen: Let me get this straight. You dumped me. You are with her. But she doesn't want us to be friends. And you're asking for more time? {quizzical look on face}

Jen: DID I MISS SOMETHING????





I mean COME ON! Am I really supposed to give you more time. For the love of god. Let's get real here.

Well, that felt good to get that off my chest.

Now if I could only get my apartment key back from him.... the bastard. He should thank his lucky little gaseous balls of fire in the sky that I am not listening to my coworkers on this one. They are voting that I go to his house, knock on his door, and ask for my key back. I have nerve, but not quite that much. Yikes.

On the upside of the world, I am in the process of applying to the University of Rochester for a Ph.D. in Human Development in Educational Contexts. Intriguing, eh? I've got references in line and have requested my transcripts. I have to write a term paper, too. I could have submitted an old one from grad school, but they all got trashed when I made like a Sherpa. I also have to write a personal statement explaining my career goals and how they can fit with the program and the University of Rochester. That one's going to take some thought.

Peace. I'm out.

So, here we are at the end of 2006....

2006 gave me plenty of changes, challenges, smiles, heartaches, and growth. What a long strange year it's been. Care to walk down memory lane with me?

2006 started right off with a big change...I started teaching middle school health. The same week I started I got a zit. A sign of things to come? I gave up a full-time sure thing for a long-term not sure thing. I rolled the dice, played for a while, and lost. It was good while it lasted!

I continued to love the kids and staff that I worked with at the afterschool program. Pretty amazing people. Pretty amazing kids. It's always great to learn more than you teach. Had such a good time working with these people.

Then there was this guy. A nice guy. A fun guy to be with. A guy whom I really really really liked. And then it happened. He left. I got dumped. I got angry and sad and felt sorry for myself and thought the world was ending...oh, but the world WASN'T ending. (That would come a few weeks later.) Once again, I became Jen-you-are-amazing-but-there-is-someone-just-a-little-bit-more-important-closer-better-convenient-less Scorpio-than you. After some synthetic happiness and a book, I have realized - EMBRACED- the fact that it wasn't my flaws (as if I have any...) that made this happen. It was his own issues (stupidity?), which I will never understand. Whatever. The good news is that I have arrived at a point where I wish him only happiness and a full life. Yeah, I still get pissed sometimes (okay, daily), but I often think that I was too strong of a woman for him anyway. Do you hear me roaring?

And so, here I was in July unemployed and dumped with a house and a ridiculously high car payment. What the hell was I going to do? What choice did I have? I had to start looking for work. And so I did.

Thankfully, I managed to find a job that fits my skills well and that I am relatively happy at (when I am not cleaning up the really shitty stuff). So, at the end of July, I packed up the house - putting most of what I owned on the curb, free for the taking - and moved. I moved into a little, one bedroom apartment on the second floor with two cats and a large chocolate lab. Whose idea of a good time was this? Oh, and did I fail to mention that it was only about ten miles or so from where the guy who dumped me lived? Let's clear the air right this very instant. I did NOT move for him, to be near him, or to see him. I moved for work. Now that we've settled that...

And the highs? There were actually some...
1. A Dave Matthews concert at Darien Lake. So much fun. Camped. Got dumped. Was *so* close to throwing up on him. Should have.
2. A John Mayer and Sheryl Crow concert at where else? Darien Lake. SO MUCH FUN. A ridiculous amount of fun, actually. It shouldn't have been legal. Actually, it wasn't. Laughed so hard I peed my pants a little...and so did the company I was with. Did I mention that it was a ridiculous amount of fun?
3. A fantastic trip to Chicago to see my sister and family. What a great time. It really brought me back to the importance of having family and knowing what it means to keep relationships growing.
4. A Little Big Town and The Wreckers concert with my mom. First and a half row, baby! We had a great time and Little Big Town ROCKED IT.
5. Hanging out at Lamoka Lake doing nothing except drinking more than I should have been. A 31 year old acting like a 22 year old. Who cares? It was fun.
6. A December trip to New York City. Who wouldn't love that? Rockefeller Center, Macy's windows, the Swarovski crystal snowflake...and friends. My friends were there. That made it extra super duper wonderful!
7. Christmas. Christmas with my family was unparalleled this year. My heart was so open to love and nonmaterial gifts. I loved being with them and taking in all that they had to give me.
8. The stress weight loss diet. It worked! I've dropped about 40 pounds this year...and still have 3 days left! Actually, I logged a lot of miles on the ole Mizunos this year. Planning to log even more next year.

And of course there was the baby boom!! Katie birthed. Then Cristin birthed! We are still waiting for Kristin to birth! Come on babies. We are anxious to meet you. All amazing little creatures put on this earth to test their parents patience, love, and endurance. So far, I think it's a pretty even tie.

So, 2006, what did you teach me?

• You taught me that I don't deserve to settle.



• You taught me that I enjoy being OUT of the classroom better than I like being IN the classroom.



• You taught me that a broken heart doesn't have to stay broken. Sometimes things that are broken are built better than before - stronger, bigger, able to hold more.



• You taught me that synthetic happiness isn't such a bad thing.



• You taught me that I am ridiculously strong. I can handle whatever life throws at me. And now, I can handle it with confidence that I am doing the best that I can.



• You taught me that I can still keep up with 20-something's. HA!



• You taught me that having the closeness and support of my family is the most important gift that I can have. My mom and my sister are the best. Even when we hate each other.



• You taught me that I don't need everyone's approval. Any approval I need, I already have. Any approval I will need, I won't have to work for...it will just come.



• You taught me that I am a creative, beautiful, good person who is only going to get better with age.



• You taught me that I like Coach bags. Yeah. I like Coach bags, like A LOT.



• You taught me that being a landlord ain't all it cracked up to be. Ouch.



• You taught me that I can set up a tent in a skirt and not care who is watching. I am a woman. I am camping alone. I also learned that I can't start a fire by myself. That sucked.

Good heavens, 2006. You really kicked my ass. Thanks for the good, the bad, and the ugly. It felt like it was a little heavy on the ugly side. Could you maybe be a little more gentle in 2007? I'm just asking....